i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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