Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
