She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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