Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
