He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize