Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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