I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
