OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
All I want is dick and wine.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
