Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
