I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
