shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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