Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wish there were birth control emojis
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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