Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
