In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
