end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Boobs are out for the taking
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
