lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
