Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
