buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
