my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I didn't notice because vodka
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
