brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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