there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
