remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
