saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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