The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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