Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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