wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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