my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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