Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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