I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
