She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
