You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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