You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
