I just made out with a guy for $7.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
