I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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