Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
