Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
