Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
