Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
