the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
