I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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