Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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