i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
