member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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