I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Drunk is a universal language darling
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