last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize