Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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