I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
