If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
