I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i think i just lost a toe
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize