I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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