oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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