So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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