Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
