I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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