Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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