dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
