thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
