so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize