im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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