I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
