Moan for me like Helen Keller
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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