You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
