I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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